That one thing I hate about myself...

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ― Ambrose Bierce

If there is one thing that I really DETEST (as in LOATHE) about myself, it is my temper.

You may say that ANGER is normal and is very much a part of life because we all get angry. But if you have a temper as short as mine, you will probably think it is not normal at all. 

While anger can result in something positive and is even considered a healthy emotion at times like standing up for injustice, for instance. Or if there is a situation where you feel threatened, you can retaliate through anger and protect yourself from danger. But if you find yourself having a short fuse over the littlest things, it can take a toll on your health; even your relationships. 


Anger in the family 

Family and your relationship with your family members, inadvertently define you. A family is the basic unit of society and family members are our first teachers, they are the strongest contributors to the development of our character. Growing up, my family's influence was alternately something I would consciously negate, or inadvertently succumb to. I also have desperately tried to understand the anger that was very much present in our family, especially within our extended family.

When anger is deeply entrenched in one's family, it spreads itself much like a virus to its future generations. The wider the spread, the more difficult the anger is to contain. 

How can you tell if anger is deep-seated and is present in your family? Just look around you and see how the members of your family relate to one another. Remember that your earliest experience with your family is in communicating and relating to them, so if there are unresolved issues within the family brought about by anger (whether it's because of rage, temper tantrums, or bottled up anger towards each other); the issues will eventually reflect in how your family members relate to one another. The sad part of all of this is that the patterns of anger in early relationships when deep-seated, will reflect even in relationships outside the family. 


But what is Anger?

According to Wikipedia: "Anger is an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged, or denied, and a tendency to react through retaliation". Anger triggers the body’s ‘fight or flight response. You either face it head-on, or you try to withdraw from the situation to protect yourself.

There are two types of ANGER: 
Anger explosions where some people have very little control over their anger and tend to explode in rages. People who become slaves to their temper, eventually isolate themselves from friends and love ones. 
Anger repression in which some people consider that anger is an inappropriate or ‘bad’ emotion, and choose to suppress it. However, bottled anger often turns into depression and anxiety.



The Propensity for Anger

I have known Anger. I have had to deal with anger all my life. Every time it knocks on my door, I invite it in. I recall hundreds of times that I allowed anger to get the better of me. The ugliness that is anger, turned me inside out. I rationalized my anger too many times. I have also rationalized violent retaliation. I have told myself countless times that I tried to be forgiving and understanding, but that the provocation was too much. But the truth is, I know that this is a convenient excuse, an excuse so convenient that at some point, I just accepted that my anger is part of me and it is something I have to accept. 

Dealing with anger is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Imagine having no control over it, feeling overwhelmingly helpless that you eventually find yourself giving in. The thing about anger is that it is so powerful an emotion that if it is allowed to fester, it can manifest itself in a very violent and destructive way. Yes, it can start with a little annoyance, but it can later lead to a destructive (blinded) rage, at times directed, not just to one person but to everyone.

Since I have dealt with anger for most of my life, I have come to realize that it has resided deep in my soul and has now affected my reactions, my ability to love, and to understand. It has gotten to a point where my relationships were very much affected by it, some were even so irreversibly damaged that the relationships eventually ended. 


Dealing with Anger

If you feel out of control, walk away from the situation until you cool down. Reflect and pinpoint the exact reasons why you feel angry. I have started keeping a journal of my outbursts so that I can attempt to understand why I got mad in the first place. I also realized that people who are stressed like me, are more likely to experience anger. 

As part of my commitment to deal with my anger issues, I have also promised my family to enroll at a gym and to learn how to meditate or do yoga. Studies have documented that regular exercise can improve mood and reduce stress levels. The effects of this, I was told, were twofold: physical exertion burns up stress chemicals, and it also boosts the production of mood-regulating neurotransmitters in the brain, including endorphins. 


Recognizing one's anger is the first step to resolution

You first need to learn to recognize your anger. You need answers to questions like:

"How do I know when I am angry?"
"What events/people/places/things make me angry?"
"How do I react when I'm angry?"
"How does my angry reaction affect others?"

You should also start recognizing Physiological Signs of Anger. The first step in effective anger management is to learn how to recognize when you are angry. I am an angry person and I see my emotions as either black or white, that I am either in a rage or I am calm. The truth is, anger is neither black nor is it white. Anger builds up and there are certain signs to determine if the sheer annoyance is building up into full-blown anger.

People like me who see anger in terms of extremes, oftentimes have difficulty recognizing the build-up. Luckily, most people experience a number of physical, emotional, and behavioral signs to warn them of impending rage. 

Some other physical signs of anger include increased and rapid heart rate, shaking or trembling, and sometimes even dizziness.

After some introspection, I discovered that I too feel physical signs like headache and stomachache (hyper-acidity) when I am starting to get extremely irritated.

Emotionally you may feel like you want to get away from the situation. You feel irritated, sad, or depressed, you feel guilty or resentful, anxious; you feel like you want to strike out verbally or physically (this I feel, all the time).

You may also notice that you start rubbing your head (Max does this!).
You start cupping your fist with your other hand. You start pacing. You start getting sarcastic. You start losing your sense of humor and you start acting in an abusive or abrasive manner. And of course, you start raising your voice; you even begin to yell or scream. Others start craving a drink, a smoke, or other substances that can relax. 

Recognizing these signs will help you prevent outbursts. Remember you still have control over your anger when it is still in its early stage, but when it starts building up, it might be too late.


Learn to ask for forgiveness

If all else fails, learn how to ask for forgiveness and resolve to be more conscious of the consequences of your actions, and the repercussions of your misplaced anger, and commit to being more aware of the physical and emotional signs, the next time you get annoyed or irritated.

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.” - Aristotle

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems not people; to focus your energies on answers, not excuses.” - William Arthur Ward