And i fall, all over again!

April 26 at 1:50am

It is so hard to live with so much shame, guilt, and regret. I would never want anyone to trade places with me because these feelings are the worst feelings one can have, on top of the others I feel like feelings of fear and feelings of resentment and abandonment.

Last Thursday I felt I was back to where I started, back to the day I was walked out on. Everything was pitch dark, my chest was tightening I could not breathe! I wanted to run out the door and wished (EVEN PRAYED! that) a fast moving car would run me over. I could not stop crying for a solid 2 hours and started punishing myself again. I caved in from all the thoughts running through my head (that were silenced for 10 weeks) but was newly awakened because of several email messages sent to me: a dozen messages reminding me of bitter and painful memories. Memories of how short, how inadequate, even how pitiful I was, a past that reminded me I was not enough, same thoughts which caused me to drive over the top which caused the “downfall” of my last relationship.

I became resentful again, torn. I found myself begging again, crying again, tormented again and very angry at why God has again allowed me to go through so much pain, pain that I was able to “forgot”, bury for 10 weeks! I was moving forward so why this, why now, why again? Why when there are more things at stake now? Why? Why was God punishing me all over again?

Then I remembered two things: I have not gone to church, and I have not been able to pray; which weakened me, which drove me to fits of insanity again.


Matthew 5: 14-15 in a nutshell says “In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do.”

I learned at Firm Foundation, the seminar I have been attending every Saturday the different definitions of PRAYER. It is the pouring of your heart to God, it is the womb: the life center of all spiritual activities, is crying out to God on behalf of others, and many other definitions. But among the many definitions are two that hit a nerve: Prayer is a believer’s life and Prayer is where all miracles happen first, where His voice is heard and where life of faith begins and grows.

Prayer is communicating with God and prayer should never be your last resort, your last second solution. Prayer is your shield, your protection, your source of strength. Prayer takes FEAR away from you. The more you declare God in your prayers, the more you will sense His grace.

My praying shows TRUST, OBEDIENCE and SUBMISSION to the Word of God, and that we trust the Lord as we pray to Him to work things out. To pray and to believe things will change because we pray shows that we trust God.

Prayer is the beginning of Miracles. No matter how severe, how urgent your problem is, it opens the door for God to exhibit His glory.


Our Father, reveal who you are. Set the world right. Do what is best! Keep us safe from OURSELVES and the Devil. You are in-charge.

The line above is an excerpt from the modern day Our Father, taken from MSG Modern Day Bible. I particularly was struck by the line where I ask God to protect ME from MYSELF…

Father, I know I am blessed, I am accepted and I am forgiven. In your blood I know I am redeemed. Please heal me and change me. Work on me so that someday I can be a living testament that You can change and you can heal, no matter how bad or how broken the person is!

Exhibit your Glory in my life. Touch me, work on me, heal me, change me. In you I know I am set free! Set free from all the chains that bind me – feelings of shame, regret and so much guilt.

I am blessed in Spirit, Soul and Body. In you I will know who I am. I am resting against a defeated foe who has no authority over me because He has been disarmed and defeated. I will pray to you not as a last resort but as a form of celebration, a source of not just strength, but a reminder that you live in me and that someday I will be changed and I will be healed.

Amen!


NO MORE CHAINS HOLDING ME, FROM NOW ON I AM FREE, I AM GONNA SHOUT IT OUT LOUD!

Jesus, Jesus my redeemer. There’s no greater love than what you’ve given me.
Hallelujah! I’m forgiven and I’ll never be chained again.

Because the very same power that raised Christ from the dead is alive in me!
And the very same power that overcame the grave it lives in me!
And now I am complete since He rescued me, since He rescued me
I’m gonna shout it out loud!

No more chains holding me from now on I am free.
I’m gonna shout it out loud!

(Lyrics from the Very Same Power)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GALtsjUDXOE

Another lesson for stubborn ol me...

Last Saturday I attended a seminar called Baptism in the Holy Spirit where you can ask specifically for gifts from the Holy Spirit. From among the gifts (and also the fruits) of the Holy Spirit, I only asked for two (2) namely: Gift of Wisdom and Gift of Knowledge.


For years I have always acted on impulse. Every decision that I have in the past were all out of impulse. While I would wallow on these things for weeks, months, even years, the final decision was always done hastily. But in every decision that I made, God was there to, well, rescue me from my recklessness and thoughtlessness.


My prayers to him every time I had a big decision to make, would always have one theme – “Bahala ka na Lord. You have always been there for me. Be there when I make this decision.” And every time my total dependence on His grace and providence rescued me from my recklessness.


Yesterday after work (went to work on a Sunday, yes), the Lord arranged my schedule so that I can attend Sunday service. Work broke up early and I had the time to travel from Ortigas to Alabang to make it in time for church. My good friend Apple at the time was insisting I attend church because the topic is going to center on “God’s faithfulness”. I already felt a nudge to attend as this topic was what I really needed to hear, to be reminded that at the end of all of THIS, is evidence of his continued faithfulness to me. But because of my stubbornness, my over-all weakness, (I will not elaborate on this anymore), overcame the need for me to go to church, I was consumed and could not see the seeming signs that the Lord was showing to me in order for me to attend church and not be carried away by my self-pity. The weak person that I am, I succumbed to this weakness and played a deaf ear to His “whispers”.


To cut the long story short, I almost got the scare of my life. I was assaulted by a stalker and could not go home until late that night. Because of this assault, I now have a burn on my right leg, which serves as a reminder of two things: that if you ask for wisdom and knowledge from God, you should also have the good sense and the obedience to follow. And second to not try to control everything, to be still, know that He is God and that He is working on my situation.


Lord, please be more stern with me as I continue to walk in your goodness and mercy. I may not have the understanding for what it is that you wish for me to learn but I am willing to take on this journey with confidence because I know you will never forsake me.