Peak at the makings of an insane mind: Forgiving and Forgetting have been proven to be intertwined

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

For a very long time, I was able to convince myself that I have LONG forgiven my transgressors, especially the ones who have hurt me the most. I don't know about you but the people who have hurt me the most are those that I have loved and trusted unconditionally. Sadly, the gravity of the pain these people have directly or indirectly caused were the hardest to forget.

I have had to struggle with Forgiving and Forgetting. All these years, I pretended I had forgiven the people who have hurt me the most. In fact, I would often hear myself saying, that I have forgiven, but have not forgotten, whenever I am reminded of the hurt they have caused. It only dawned on me that I have not only not forgotten, but have also "NOT forgiven", was when I came across a topic in the Psychology of Science Medical Journal about the Psychology of Forgiving and Forgetting, and the fact they are so intertwined that you can't have one without the other.

The study was done by three psychology students (Saima Noreen, Malcolm Mac Leod, Raynette Bierman) of the University of St. Andrews, Scotland. The objective of the study was to answer two very important questions: Does forgiving help us forget? Or does forgetting empower us to forgive?

According to Saima Noreen, the link between forgiving and forgetting is made possible by one's mind’s executive control system which gives us the ability to keep upsetting memories out of consciousness.

The three students invited volunteers and studied their general tendencies to "forgive others’ transgressions". They simulated scenarios depicting hypothetical wrong-doings like Slander, Infidelity, Theft; and the transgressor was either a friend, a partner, a parent (or parents), or a colleague. The scenarios depicted had consequences, but with the transgressors' attempt at making amends at the end.

Questions like: "How serious was the offense?" "How hurtful?" "How sympathetic were they towards the transgressor?" "Forgive or not, Yes or No", were used.

And then the volunteers were subjected to a memory test where they actively tried to forget words associated with the "incidents" simulated with the premise, and the result was undeniable: An Act of Forgiving increased the victim’s ability to forget and put misfortunes out of awareness. The ability to forget unpleasantness was very much linked to the actual act of forgiving, and not just the propensity to be gracious, that Forgiving and Forgetting reinforced one another in the human mind.

Forgiveness is effortful at first. People who manage it are better at setting aside bitter thoughts. But according to the study, Forgetting may in turn provide an effective coping strategy, enabling people to move on and ultimately find forgiveness in their hearts.

"There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a

marker on the site."

All these years, I thought to myself that what was important was that I have forgiven the sins, that forgiveness was something that I needed to do, but that forgetting was something no one can demand or expect from me, simply because I was only human. But then I realized after reading the study that it really Trust that takes time, not so much “Forgetting” what actually happened.

I also realized that by not forgiving (and forgetting), I was actually harboring past hurts, and harboring past hurts, can take a toll on your health, and your happiness.

Forgetting especially trusting again is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and it is a decision I have to make every day. I continue to make this decision (of forgiving, forgetting, and hopefully one day trusting again), because of the following reasons…

a) We all make mistakes.

b) We are all weak.

c) That the person is worth forgiving.

But the most important reason is that I want to be released from the chains that bind me. If there is one thing I know, is that by not forgiving, I am living in the past. The essence of forgiveness is reminding yourself that you can never change what happened, but that it does not mean the past will still continue to prevent you from being happy, this includes letting go of your anger for the person/s and the wrong doing/s.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

- Mahatma Gandhi

If you're just holding on to anger because you're hurt, try these steps:

1. Look at the situation objectively instead of personally.

2. Acknowledge that you will have to forgive in order to move forward.

3. Trust that the person who wronged you is really sorry.

4. Know that your friend (probably) did not try to hurt you intentionally.

5. Accept the lesson (if there is one).

I have LOST COUNT of the number of times the good Lord has forgiven me. Do I want him to judge me, the same way I am judging the person who hurt me the most? Forgiving others should be the same as God forgives us – Immediate and for all. You wouldn’t want him to play favorites, do you? I pray that I see everyone through God’s eyes of Grace and Forgiveness.