And i fall, all over again!

April 26 at 1:50am

It is so hard to live with so much shame, guilt, and regret. I would never want anyone to trade places with me because these feelings are the worst feelings one can have, on top of the others I feel like feelings of fear and feelings of resentment and abandonment.

Last Thursday I felt I was back to where I started, back to the day I was walked out on. Everything was pitch dark, my chest was tightening I could not breathe! I wanted to run out the door and wished (EVEN PRAYED! that) a fast moving car would run me over. I could not stop crying for a solid 2 hours and started punishing myself again. I caved in from all the thoughts running through my head (that were silenced for 10 weeks) but was newly awakened because of several email messages sent to me: a dozen messages reminding me of bitter and painful memories. Memories of how short, how inadequate, even how pitiful I was, a past that reminded me I was not enough, same thoughts which caused me to drive over the top which caused the “downfall” of my last relationship.

I became resentful again, torn. I found myself begging again, crying again, tormented again and very angry at why God has again allowed me to go through so much pain, pain that I was able to “forgot”, bury for 10 weeks! I was moving forward so why this, why now, why again? Why when there are more things at stake now? Why? Why was God punishing me all over again?

Then I remembered two things: I have not gone to church, and I have not been able to pray; which weakened me, which drove me to fits of insanity again.


Matthew 5: 14-15 in a nutshell says “In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do.”

I learned at Firm Foundation, the seminar I have been attending every Saturday the different definitions of PRAYER. It is the pouring of your heart to God, it is the womb: the life center of all spiritual activities, is crying out to God on behalf of others, and many other definitions. But among the many definitions are two that hit a nerve: Prayer is a believer’s life and Prayer is where all miracles happen first, where His voice is heard and where life of faith begins and grows.

Prayer is communicating with God and prayer should never be your last resort, your last second solution. Prayer is your shield, your protection, your source of strength. Prayer takes FEAR away from you. The more you declare God in your prayers, the more you will sense His grace.

My praying shows TRUST, OBEDIENCE and SUBMISSION to the Word of God, and that we trust the Lord as we pray to Him to work things out. To pray and to believe things will change because we pray shows that we trust God.

Prayer is the beginning of Miracles. No matter how severe, how urgent your problem is, it opens the door for God to exhibit His glory.


Our Father, reveal who you are. Set the world right. Do what is best! Keep us safe from OURSELVES and the Devil. You are in-charge.

The line above is an excerpt from the modern day Our Father, taken from MSG Modern Day Bible. I particularly was struck by the line where I ask God to protect ME from MYSELF…

Father, I know I am blessed, I am accepted and I am forgiven. In your blood I know I am redeemed. Please heal me and change me. Work on me so that someday I can be a living testament that You can change and you can heal, no matter how bad or how broken the person is!

Exhibit your Glory in my life. Touch me, work on me, heal me, change me. In you I know I am set free! Set free from all the chains that bind me – feelings of shame, regret and so much guilt.

I am blessed in Spirit, Soul and Body. In you I will know who I am. I am resting against a defeated foe who has no authority over me because He has been disarmed and defeated. I will pray to you not as a last resort but as a form of celebration, a source of not just strength, but a reminder that you live in me and that someday I will be changed and I will be healed.

Amen!


NO MORE CHAINS HOLDING ME, FROM NOW ON I AM FREE, I AM GONNA SHOUT IT OUT LOUD!

Jesus, Jesus my redeemer. There’s no greater love than what you’ve given me.
Hallelujah! I’m forgiven and I’ll never be chained again.

Because the very same power that raised Christ from the dead is alive in me!
And the very same power that overcame the grave it lives in me!
And now I am complete since He rescued me, since He rescued me
I’m gonna shout it out loud!

No more chains holding me from now on I am free.
I’m gonna shout it out loud!

(Lyrics from the Very Same Power)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GALtsjUDXOE

Another lesson for stubborn ol me...

Last Saturday I attended a seminar called Baptism in the Holy Spirit where you can ask specifically for gifts from the Holy Spirit. From among the gifts (and also the fruits) of the Holy Spirit, I only asked for two (2) namely: Gift of Wisdom and Gift of Knowledge.


For years I have always acted on impulse. Every decision that I have in the past were all out of impulse. While I would wallow on these things for weeks, months, even years, the final decision was always done hastily. But in every decision that I made, God was there to, well, rescue me from my recklessness and thoughtlessness.


My prayers to him every time I had a big decision to make, would always have one theme – “Bahala ka na Lord. You have always been there for me. Be there when I make this decision.” And every time my total dependence on His grace and providence rescued me from my recklessness.


Yesterday after work (went to work on a Sunday, yes), the Lord arranged my schedule so that I can attend Sunday service. Work broke up early and I had the time to travel from Ortigas to Alabang to make it in time for church. My good friend Apple at the time was insisting I attend church because the topic is going to center on “God’s faithfulness”. I already felt a nudge to attend as this topic was what I really needed to hear, to be reminded that at the end of all of THIS, is evidence of his continued faithfulness to me. But because of my stubbornness, my over-all weakness, (I will not elaborate on this anymore), overcame the need for me to go to church, I was consumed and could not see the seeming signs that the Lord was showing to me in order for me to attend church and not be carried away by my self-pity. The weak person that I am, I succumbed to this weakness and played a deaf ear to His “whispers”.


To cut the long story short, I almost got the scare of my life. I was assaulted by a stalker and could not go home until late that night. Because of this assault, I now have a burn on my right leg, which serves as a reminder of two things: that if you ask for wisdom and knowledge from God, you should also have the good sense and the obedience to follow. And second to not try to control everything, to be still, know that He is God and that He is working on my situation.


Lord, please be more stern with me as I continue to walk in your goodness and mercy. I may not have the understanding for what it is that you wish for me to learn but I am willing to take on this journey with confidence because I know you will never forsake me.

First blog post you know what without you know who...

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose." - Jo Courdert

It is not easy to be unattached after sharing your life with someone for almost half of your life. 14 years of habit / friendship and 9 years of married life is not something to sneeze at. But this is my reality now and whether i like it or not, i will embrace it...

"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he". - Proverbs 23: 7

Its true what they say - Your most dominant thought is what dictates your life and will become the direction of your life. A verse in Matthew 12 (34) says that out of the abundance of your heart, the mouth speaks.

I am broken. I am a product of my past and i have not had healing for a very long time. In fact what drove the eventual break up was the resurfacing of past hurts, and for a good 14 months i tried to solve the problem. What i did not realize that i was not fixing the root cause of the problem.

You cannot go beyond the boundaries of your heart. You cannot give what you do not have. And because i did not have forgiveness and love in my heart - FOR MYSELF, even if i tried my hardest, i could not give what i did not have.

And so the inevitable happened.

"You cannot FIX YOUSELF" they kept saying, "You cannot stop the pain on your own" - and they were all right. I tried, with VERY FIBER OF MY BEING, but i kept failing - OVER AND OVER AND OVER...

I must admit that when i began to examine what really controled and dominated me, i realized i WAS A SLAVE TO MYSELF, to my PAST, i was responsible for having yielded to myself over and over and over... I realized just how powerful the enslavement was. And because i was so enslaved by it, it completely dominated me. I LIVED THE LIFE OF OBVIOUS SLAVERY TO MYSELF AND TO MY PAST.


"No more chains holding me. From now on, I am free. I am gonna shout it out loud..."
- Very Same Power by Free Chapel

When i heard this song over a teaching at my new church and saw the numerous women who were singing these words from a song, i felt HOPE. I felt i was not completely hopeless, that i too can be similar to all of the women in that room. I too can be freed from slavery...

Isaiah 48: 17 promises that God will teach me to profit, and He will lead me where i should be going... and that He can turn everything to my advantage, and that He will turn this problem into an opportunity for me - an opportunity for me to be healed, to finally be released of my past hurts and be well and whole again.

God has promised that if i keep the faith and continue praying, His word will direct my path, will begin to open opportunities for me. Even before i encountered the problem, God had already made provisions for me, that the bottom line is i do not see what God sees in me but eventually i will, that He in fact got me "out of my mess" to change me! This was God's intervention on my behalf!

Just as Hebrews 12:11 promised - this place of STILLNESS allows God the opportunity to work on us and eventually give us PEACE because we know HE IS IN CONTROL.


"When the fire in your life is the hottest, STAND STILL for later on... it produces harvest" Hebrews 12:11

God still has His secrets from me. I should not FEAR what lies ahead and be CONTENT to accept the things I cannot understand and to just wait patiently because in due time He will reveal the mystery which simply is the veil covering God’s face! They assured me that whenever I feel FORSAKENED, ABANDONED and LONELY, GOD is NEAR! He is in fact in the darkest cloud!


Understanding the FUTURE – what lies ahead

According to Sister Shoddy, the future is not built out of nothing, it is the culmination of our life so far – the way we lived, LOVED, PRAYED, pray, how we FORGAVE and CONTINUE to FORGIVE… the deeds we have done, the person we have become, character we have desired, battles we have won and the tests we have passed – ALL MEET US IN OUR TOMORROWS.


THE PAST HAS A PLACE BUT NOT IN MY FUTURE!

Sister Shoddy also said that we can NEVER FORGET the past, we will always remember it. If this is true, how can I move forward if I am still HANGING ON TO THE PAST and the PAST is HANGING on to ME? “Forgetting” means to Malnourish the Past, to NEGLECT. We learn from the past but WE DO NOT LINGER THERE because if we do this, WE CREATE A MONSTER… So all we need to do is starve it, lest it grows and consumes us – LIKE IT DID TO ME. And the only way to do is by FORGIVING YOURSELF, also OTHERS…


I should not FEAR my PAST, I should FACE IT AND DEAL WITH IT! Sister Shoddy phrased it brilliantly “If we don’t, it will be an unrelenting creditor demanding payment following you through every future transaction…” Things that are left unsettled today will hound our tomorrows. With courage she said, we should ACCEPT OUR PAST, in humility we cry out to God for HEALING and RESTORATION.

She also said that Miracles do happen which will restore the years that were taken away from us. If we are emotionally anchored to the past, she said, We become STUCK IN TIME… sludge along, pulling the oast behind us which exhausts us as the past could weigh a ton!

EVERYTHING NEW STARTS WITH THE WAY WE THINK!


Have Faith in your Faith and Doubt your Doubts.

We all need FAITH especially during our desperate days. Faith's work is to sustain us through desperate days.

Ephesians 1 said it all - We are blessed! We are chosen! We are adopted! We are accepted! We are forgiven! We have an inheritance! We are sealed and that we are a purchased possession!

Walk out in Obedience and Undestanstanding will follow

I do not live in FEAR! I do not LIVE IN DARKNESS


“Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!” - Isaiah 30: 18

No earthly circumstance can hinder the fulfillment of God’s plan.

There is a reason behind every lesson. “Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing…” – 2 Cor. 6:10

When God delays, He is not inactive. Our trials matures our strength. God is NEVER in a hurry. His timing is perfect. I should for now focus on the lessons in the “school of sorrow” than to focus anxiously on MY “time of deliverance”. I will not STEAL tomorrow from God’s hand. I will give Him time to speak to me and time to reveal HIS WILL. He is NEVER LATE and I should just LEARN TO WAIT!

“The Lord goes before you and will be with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31: 8

When obstacles and trials seem like prison walls to be,
I do the little I can do and leave the rest to thee.
And when there seems no chance, no change from grief can set me free,
Hope finds its strength in helplessness and calmly waits for thee…