I am everything I am because you loved me

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” — I Corinthians 13:4-8a    

Those who know who WE (Max and I) are, already know a few things about us like:

ROAR Integrated Marketing Communications

L -R: Sophia (19), Chesca (20), Simon (21)

- Max and I are together 24/7 because we live and work together.  We own a small public relations agency called ROAR Communications.  
- Max and I have been together for 15 years. We celebrated our 15th anniversary last October 26. 

-  That we both have 3 angels who are ages 21, 20 and 19.

- That Max and I are polar opposites, yet so similar in so many ways (an oxymoron?) 

-  Some people envy our union. *Kinikilig*

Of all my blog posts, this entry has been the hardest to write, not because I have nothing to say but because I have so much to share that I am afraid I would either come off as arrogant, or that I would embarrass my husband because of the things I am willing to share about him and our union. I am also worried that I wont be able to do him justice.

Let me start off with how we met. 

Technically, Max and I first met online (yes, we are trendsetters that way! :-)) when I was only 20 (He was 25 at the time). Although our families knew each other, Max and I never formally met. I met his Mom years before I met him (because at one point his Mom worked for my parents, who owned an Advertising Agency called Charisms), and I met his father first before I met him (coincidentally, I have so many common friends with his father, in spite of the age gap). It was in a private chat room of our Internet Service Provider that Max and I finally “met” after getting to talk to practically all the members of the chat room (he was the last person I met at the chat room). 

What was memorable about our first online conversation (where we first met), was that almost everyone I spoke to in the chat room asked me if I had already met / spoken to him (Max) and that if I haven’t I should, so I was really curious as to why everyone wanted me to meet him, and why everyone was so keen on us meeting online. 

When we finally got to talking, he offered to visit me at my place of work the following day. He knew where I worked because I was at the time working for my parents, and also because my father’s advertising agency (where I was working as an Account Executive and Media Buyer) was just a floor above our ISP’s office (Internet Service Provider, where he also coincidentally used to work before).

We hit it off right away. We would talk relentlessly for hours. Sometimes we would spend the entire afternoon or evening together, and would talk on the phone for hours as soon as we arrived home. We would even email each other often. He knew my story just after maybe a month or two of being friends. 

We were inseparable. I remember that most people assumed we were a couple even if we were just really good friends. I remember that we had to consciously correct people’s assumption because with just a few minutes of seeing us together, we already knew what they were thinking. I didn’t mind because I was happy to be with him, but we felt we needed to set the record straight because we really weren’t a couple.

We hit it off from the get go – we both love Pizza and Chinese food, we loved the same kind of music, we both never run out of things to say and stories to share; and we both have loud voices :-). When we were together, we were always oblivious to the people around us, which I think is the reason why people automatically assumed that we were a couple.

  

Max was an answered prayer. He was the brother and best friend I never had. He was not just a friend, but he was also a confidant, a shoulder to cry on, my personal adviser / counselor, teacher / tutor, big brother, best friend all rolled into one. He sometimes was my driver too as he would take me home to Las Pinas from Makati, even if he lived in Quezon City. Sometimes he even had to play the role of a parent to me. He was all that and more. 

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid because for once in my life, I didn’t feel alone. When something great or bad happened, he was the first one I would call. I always wanted him to be the last one I would talk to at night. For once in my life, I was confident about the decisions I made, because I knew they had his approval. 

He was such a good friend and companion that I slowly regained my confidence. I slowly gained my self-esteem and self-respect back. I was smiling again, dancing and singing again. The shame and guilt I felt as a result of my failed marriage slowly faded into the background because he helped me regain my dignity. It was clear to me that he was heaven sent.

Fast forward to his marriage proposal (in 1998). 

After 2 years of being friends, he felt that the next step was marriage. That is the kind of man he is. But first he asked me if he could get to know the kids more. I had never exposed my kids to the men I dated after my marriage ended, I always made an effort to protect my kids by shielding them from any further confusion. I rarely dated, but when I did, I wouldn’t introduce the kids. 

So after Max got to know the kids more, he finally popped the question. He asked for my hand in marriage. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes either. I only told him I wasn’t ready, and that I didn’t want to ruin the friendship. In spite of the seeming rejection from me, nothing changed. He was still my angel, my confidant, my best friend.

When I finally decided that it was time for me to have my own place, Max was the one who helped me look for an apartment I could afford. I was a mission worker (and I was also doing social communications work) at the time so there weren’t that many options for me. 

When I left the father of my kids, I went back to my parents because at the time, my mother was dying of cancer. She died one year after my marriage ended. But since my father was remarrying, I felt it was time for me to find my own place. 

Max found an apartment 2 blocks from where he lived. I was ecstatic. I would be living so close to my best friend, the man who gave me Hope. He helped me get settled. When I moved to the new apartment, I only had our clothes and a (single sized) mattress. He supplied a sofa, a fan, and a small oven for me and the kids. I remember that the kids and I were eating out of plastics because we couldn’t afford to buy plates or utensils.  I was scared, but I was willing to take on this new challenge because I had my best friend, even if he was dating at the time (while I was still unattached).

 The next few months were the most difficult. I couldn’t afford a yaya so Max became my yaya. While I was at work, he looked after and took care of the kids. 

And then I contracted dengue, and so did my eldest daughter. Max had to spend nights at our apartment to take care of me and my daughter. He had to force-feed me because I refused to eat. I couldn’t take care of my own daughter as I had it worse than her (it was my second time contracting dengue) so he had to be up most nights because my daughter’s fever would get so high, she would have nightmares. Thankfully, I was the only one who needed hospitalization. When I was discharged, it was Max who took me home and took care of everything when I got home. I was surprised to see that we had plastic plates and utensils, a pail, a tabo, and some pans because Max shared my predicament with my office mates and my community and so they helped out.

Max, me, the kids, and Max's cousin Noelle Circa 2000

One night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about Max. I thought of him while I was at work, I dreamt about him at night, so I decided to write him a letter. The following day, he asked me again if I was open to the idea of someday marrying him and I finally said yes. That was 15 years ago last October 26.

Circa 2004

He has been a wonderful father to my kids. He was a hands-on dad to them. He would bathe them, put them to bed, and he would read to them (something I was never able to do for my kids). When my kids contracted chickenpox, he stayed up all night every night, just to make sure that they wouldn't scratch. Because I had frequent nightmares, he lulled me to sleep EVERY NIGHT by caressing my hair while singing to me. He does this to this day, he even massages me to sleep.

There are so many things to share about the man I love. I prayed to God for a man I can call my own, but God had better plans. He gave me someone better than the Man of my Dreams. He gave me an Angel. 

Looking back at the 15 years, there were so many things my kids and I learned from Max. A lot of the things we know about History (and Politics!), we learned from Max. He also taught the kids about literature. 

Me and Max 30 years from now :-)

The most important lesson I learned from Max is how to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY and what Real Love is all about, that it is about caring about the happiness of another person without wanting anything in return.

Mahal, I know this is a late gift but Happy Anniversary. Just thinking of a message for you on our 15th year is making me cry, so I will borrow the words from a song popularized by Celion Dion, written by Dianne Warren. I am not a fan, but the song encapsulates what I have been saying to you all these years. Every sentence in this song is true. What is most especially true is I AM EVERYTHING I AM BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME. 

I love you sooo much. Thank you soooo much for everything and for loving unselflshly and loving me and my kids unconditionally.

BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful, baby

You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe, I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because
I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me
The light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me 

❤ Max and I through the Years ❤

I want to fall in love… with YOU.

♥  LOVE ♥ 

It’s a topic we all want to talk about. It is something we all want to feel. It is a feeling we all want to experience 24/7.

I am a hopeless romantic. I love talking about LOVE and I love being in love. I am probably the most hopelessly romantic person you will ever meet. I make it a point to express my romantic love for my partner several times in a day. I bought a “love checkbook” where Max can “encash” gifts like a free massage, a movie of his choice, wake up to a million kisses, etc. I love writing and texting sweet nothings. I especially love hugs and cuddling. I love watching romantic movies, I always cry when I watch sad movies; and I cry (all the time!) when I listen to love songs. For me LOVE is the greatest feeling in the world, and I always want to be ♥IN LOVE♥.

Almost two decades ago, I attended (and spoke at) a love forum organized by the catholic community I used to belong to, and the speaker talked about what it was like to fall in love with Christ.  When I first heard about this, it sounded a bit absurd. Yes, I was religious. Yes, I loved God with all my heart, but to fall to in love with Jesus? The concept was so surreal, even absurd. 

I have always loved God. I went to a catholic school and all throughout my life I have always been religious. There was a time that I went to mass everyday, prayed the novena everyday; and prayed the rosary every night. But the thought of falling in love with Christ was just disconcerting, and strange at the same time.   

And then I came across a song from a great band, Jars of Clay (a favorite to this day), called Love Song for a Savior; and it talked about the longing to fall deeply in love with Christ. After listening to the song, I found myself in tears. I cried like I had never cried before. From then on, I have been desiring to love the Lord the same way He loves me - Deeply, Madly, and Passionately. 

To be deeply in love is one of the greatest feelings. We feel it when we look at our loved ones - our husbands, wives, children, boyfriends, girlfriends. We especially love feeling romantic love. When we are in love, we feel we can conquer the world. We feel so inspired that we are willing to do anything and everything for our loved ones. We feel LOVE during holidays, birthdays and weddings. We all want to fall in love. But sometimes in our rush to connect with someone, to truly matter to someone, we neglect who should be our first love. 

Christ's love for us is very personal. He knows each of us individually and intimately. His love is unconditional, limitless and has no end. It is even more deep, more real, more passionate than the love we feel for our spouses/partners or our children. He loves us, not because of all the good things we have done, or the things we have accomplished. There is nothing we can go to make Jesus love us any more than He already does, and there is nothing that can cause Him to love us any less. This is why He died for us - FOR YOU. He was willing to pay for all our sins so that we can have life, a life in Christ and eternal salvation in heaven. 

This for me is the TRUE Essence of Lent: realizing, internalizing, and truly believing How much Christ loves us. We need to see His dying on the cross as the greatest manifestation of His love for us. He paid a price so high so that we may live in Him and He in us. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Our lives here on Earth will have no meaning unless we realize that the way is Christ. A love so hard to comprehend, so deep to understand. It is also His way of teaching us the greatest form of love is Self - Sacrifice. 

Can we love Jesus the same way He loves us, or have we become deadened to the real meaning of His love for us? How do we show our love for our spouses and children? We express our love to them regularly. We spend time with them. We are willing to do anything for them. Are we willing to do the same for Christ? Are we willing to fall in love with Him, the same way He is with us? The kind of LOVE that will give us courage to face the world, and compel us to be faithful to Him no matter how overwhelming our situations are. To desire to have an insatiable spiritual hunger that longs to get to know Him as our Savior. 

Do you know that in falling in love with Christ, we not only learn how it is to truly love others; but we learn how it is to truly love ourselves? Once we realize the kind of passionate love Christ has for us, we start seeing ourselves in a different light. 

After I became a Mom of 3 at the young age of 19, I was afraid of how people perceived me. I was especially afraid of how the Lord thought of me. Much is expected from a person who has known God all her life, and I felt I let Him down; that I betrayed Him. I have had a relationship with Him since I was 8, and yet I have lived a life of sin.  But realizing that in spite of all these and all my other sins and all my mistakes, He still loves me as me! What a wonderful feeling! It is in fact the greatest feeling in the world! To realize and truly understand that I AM LOVED, IN SPITE OF MYSELF. No one has ever loved me as much as Christ loves me and His love for me is deep and it is real. 

Are you in love? Is it not the greatest feeling? Who are you in love with, now? Can you love God the same way, if not more? Can you love Him just as deeply, and just as passionately? Do you want to love Him just as much? Maybe because of the hardness and severity of life, we may have forgotten what it is to truly love Him. 

Because of my desire to love Him, here are some of the things I try to do regularly; and I am especially reminded of these things during Lent.

A) I remind myself of How much He loves Me 
- I remind myself of How much He loves me whenever I am disappointed with myself. I think about Him and the love He has for me. How He has saved me and loved me, in spite of me. 

B) I remind myself of His many blessings in times of lack 
- I think of How amazing He is, how good He is to me, and that He will provide me with everything I need as long as I trust in His generosity, His goodness, His faithfulness, and most especially His love. 

C) I pray to Him whenever I feel overwhelmed and I feel like giving up
- I draw strength from Him, I read His word, and I remind myself that His timing is never early or late; and How He has seen me through everything. 

D) I choose to do everything out of my LOVE for Him. 
- I try to do my best at work, my best at being a Mom, and a wife - all out of my LOVE for Him; especially during times when my work, my kids, or my husband are "hard to love". 

"Love Song For A Savior"

(Jars of Clay)

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"
"my heart beats for You"

Relying on God’s Providence

What does it really mean when one says to Rely on God’s Providence?

What does it take to truly trust in times of lack and to focus on God as the source of all blessings?

I do not come from a well-to-do family.  As far as I can recall, we were always financially troubled. I remember daily measured meals, very little baon for school that left me and my sister hungry all day, delayed payment of our school tuition etc. I remember regularly praying to God that my family’s situation changed and it did years later. Although honestly when it did, I was no longer living in my parents' home (I “left” home when I was 16), and because of this, I really didn’t get to “enjoy” the comforts of not having to worry about money. Sadly, that respite from financial woes was short lived because my Mom was stricken with Cancer and she died 6 to about 7 years after she was diagnosed.

When I left home I was barely 17, just out of high school; and I was pregnant with my first born. I knew that life promised to be much harder because of my situation; little did I know that it was going to get a lot worse because 2 years later, I was a Mom of three; and just aged 20.

Life was much more difficult not only because I already had three kids by the time I was a 19, but also because I was just a high school graduate with virtually no one to turn to, no family to run to for help.  

When I first struck out on my own with my kids in tow, we would eat our meals in plastic bags because we didn't have money to buy plates or utensils. All our rented apartment had was one (single) bed (no, mattress), a fan, and a few of our clothes. No chairs or tables, no stove, no pans; our home was bare.

I remember times when we would eat dried food every day. You know, those tiny dried shrimps you see in the supermarket? We would buy those and fry them with eggs, which would hurt our tongues. We would also regularly have either dried fish or eggs for lunch and dinner. Our “listahan” (list of debts) at the nearby store would reach over a thousand pesos, to the point where the owner of the store refused to allow us to "buy" from her store. I remember having to buy water for bathing and for washing because our water was cut off. I remember not having electricity for over a month. Skipping meals was a regular ritual as I had to have enough money to get home. 

It was so hard to get up in the morning because of all the struggles we were facing every day, and for years. It felt like each day was sucking the life out of me. I would cry at work almost every day (if not every day), begging God that He change our situation because my kids didn’t deserve the life we had. I was quick to remind myself however that there was a very GOOD reason why the Lord blessed me with three amazing kids. The future looked so bleak, but I knew that I wasn't alone. Every time my day would seem unbearable, I would cry to the Lord in prayer; and every single time, He assured me that He was in control. 

It was so tempting to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, but I knew that I coudn't afford to feel sorry for myself because my family was counting on me. I had to work. I prayed every time I was angry. I prayed every time I felt the urge to give up my kids by turning them over to the parents of their father. I even prayed every time I was sad, or hungry, or physically sick. 

What was clear to me was that He was working on my behalf. At every turn, He sent either a friend that would offer to feed me, just when I was so hungry. He sent job offers with higher pay, when our bills were starting to pile up. He sent countless of earthly angels to make me and my family feel that we were not alone. Just when we didn't even have money to buy our next meal, someone would arrive at our doorstep with groceries. He assured me every day that I wasn't alone. He reminded me every day that we were taken care of. 

What I thought were wrong decisions, were blessings in disguise. I look back at my life and I realize that every single thing that happened to us, was a link in a chain, and were all necessary to bring me where I am today. The hand of God was so evident at every chapter of my life that I learned to depend on His Goodness and Generosity, most especially His Mercy. 

Because of all that we have been through, I learned to be content with whatever blessings I had. I started counting my blessings - I always had a good paying job, I was always surrounded by people who never judged me. I was given a partner in life because God said I wasn't meant to be alone. My partner helped me raise my kids and He helped take care of my family. God blessed my kids with talents. God blessed me with talents.

I now have a small business that is financially able to send my kids to good colleges. We still have our financial concerns (who doesn’t?) especially since the cost of a college education has now tripled compared to when I was in school.

In spite of what my kids and I experienced (continue to experience), I believe that God doesn’t want us to suffer. I believe that in order for us to experience the happiness and contentment God wants for us, we have to be committed to a certain process. We must remember pain and difficulties are there to teach us.

Romans 8:28 says that: 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I wake up each day knowing that God is causing all things to work together for my good. I am grateful for the “process” I have to go through. From observation, we always experience the hardest before a God-given break though. I keep my mind and my heart open to what God is trying to teach me, what He is trying to do in my life. In spite of still experiencing financial difficulties, my family and I have come a long way! We now live in confidence each day, knowing that the God of all Gods is at work, and that His workmanship in me is unfolding slowly right before our eyes.

It seems in this day and age, there is always something to worry about. We worry a lot about our finances because living has gotten too expensive. We worry about our relationships, our job situations; and a never ending to-do list to name a few. 

Do you know that God knows every single detail and every thought that consumes our lives? He has a great plan for us no matter how overwhelming our situation is.

Sometimes all He asks is that we not worry. All He wants from us is a thankful heart, to be calm and to truly believe that nothing is too great for him.

Do you believe in this? Do you believe that you have a GREAT God?

I sometimes “tell” my problems that I have a BIG God. I try not to say my problems are HUGE (even if they often feel overwhelmingly so!). I always “say” to (my) Debt: Debt! My God is a BIG God!

Phil. 4:8 said that we should fix our thoughts on what we can thank God for, that we shouldn’t focus on the lack; that we should fix our thoughts on what is Good in our life.

Try to speak blessings over your work. Believe and Stand in Faith because Provision will come. As you wait for the manifestation, your faith grows. Know and believe where real help comes from. Run to God.  He is your provider. Do not be afraid or dismayed. Rest in His Goodness & Grace.

John 14:13, 14  - Whatever you ask in my name, I will do it.

John 16:23,24 - Whatever you ask my father in my name, I will do... so that your JOY will be FULL.

Lord, I thank you for beginning a great work in me. No matter how difficult things might seem and no matter if I don't fully understand all that you are doing, I know I can trust you! I choose happiness today for my life because I know you are going to complete the great work in me. I know that I will lack nothing because of your great love and plan for me.

Father, you know every detail that concerns my heart today. You have said that I don’t have to carry these burdens and challenges alone. I am asking you to carry them with me. I thank you for the promise of peace that is beyond human understanding, as I trust in you! 

In Jesus’ name,  

Amen.